its my diary, 1 march, 2011
“How uncertain is death?
You just turn around and look at the ground
to tend to know, you are dead?
You raise your hands, and play the bands,
And sing and dance. And then dead?
And shout and frown, and miss the sound,
And come to know you are dead?
Such uncertain is death. Oh lord!
Such uncertain is death!??
I wrote these words on the day, the day I missed someone close and never got her back, and they mean a lot to me….a lot. I don’t care others like it or not.
They day passed and left me with the most disastrous and painful memories I ever had in my life. Two years have passed almost, and I m 17 now, but I still shake when I remember her. She must have been 23 or something if she was…. My heart still stiffens and pains…
I still remember you di, I will always. Why is life so uncertain? Why does death not come with a 5 day time? We could be prepared and at least meet all, all who we love and care. Why does it has to happen? Why?
The day, 2 years ago. . . . . . .
“Get up dear, get up………” My mother’s voice cooed in my ears.
“Mumma, 5 minutes more…” I moaned getting under my covers.
“Get up sweetie…its time…and your board exams are on Monday… Hun….get up…” She stroked my hair.
“Just 5 minutes….5 minutes…please…” I pleaded.
“Please get up now…there’s something important sweetie, get up…” she said sweetly.
“Ugh….” I cried and got inside my covers and cried.
I was almost awake. Hell this morning. It’s so unlucky!
Wait! Mumma is waking me without a temper? What the hell? Am I ok? Or may be I dreaming?
Is it my birthday? Nah! March has just got on today…25 days to go…
I got up and sat down, my mother was dressed. I looked at the clock,”5:23”.
“Why are you dressed up at this time? Where are you going?” I inquired.
I was getting the feeling that something was wrong. My inner self told me, something is definitely very wrong.
“Look Hun, don’t be hyper, just be calmed ohk? You can’t do anything and…what has happened has happened…” mumma started, which made me more hyperactive.
She carried it on and I almost screamed when she said, “Dear, Ridhi expired…”
Expired? What does she mean? I mean hell her for saying such a thing.
“Are you mad?” I cried at her and let out hundred more cries, “its impossible…I met her just a week before or less…no….noo……she is not dead…she cant be….nooo………..”
I fell back on my bed and wailed and screamed as if some tsunami attacked me. Mumma said things but I couldn’t hear anything or see anything except my own lamentations and cries. Never thought the morning could come with such news.
I cried and cried until my voice chocked and I fell somewhat numb. I could feel just nothing. Nothing.
Someone made me drink something, water probably, and I lied there grief stricken. Empty.
My heart pinched like a hundred swords and my mind, couldn’t work. Felt as if I was in coma.
I heard people talking, but saw nothing.
They carried on and I felt more miserable. My heart burst with pain. Never felt such pain in my life before, never lost a close one before….and what? I was just 15…just 15, and she? She was 20, and…dead?
Noo. No……… God can’t be that cruel. No.
I cried out with all the strength I had. I wailed and flung up and fell down my bed.
Mumma came running and held me against her and patted me.
“Mumma…she cant be…she is not….she….tell na…say she isn’t….” I cried over and over. I knew it was true, but I wanted to hear it wasn’t.
She scooted me.
“I m going to see her, and Suchi you rest…” She said.
“No…I will come with you…I want to see her too…she died? How? Where? And why? Noo……I want to see her..” I said under my sobs.
“No you are not coming, aunt will tell you everything, but for now, you rest, you need rest..” she urged and patted me.
I fell down to deep slumber in a moment. I had already spent all my energy in wailing and crying…I needed sleep.
I didn’t eat anything the whole day, how does it matter? It doesn’t. no.
She was my second cousin, but we were close. Hell close. I don’t know any of her secrets, but I knew what I did, that she wanted to work. Wanted to get a job. Wanted to be independent. Wanted to live.
She is just like the others? Whats the difference? The difference is, “she is dead”. Dead at 21. Just 21. Mere 21?
My cousin came to my house and just sat there without a word. I looked at him, he didn’t cry.
No. He just looked at his hands once and then the sky. Thought something, and then made his hands like a “what”.
Did the thing for an hour or so. I just looked at him and cried even more. I wanted to help him, console him, but…
I couldn’t…I couldn’t stop my tears even…they just flowed and flowed and flowed like they would never cease….
I wanted to talk to someone, but each time I opened my mouth, a wail came out…
I was helpless myself, just…a nobody. I sinister. A hell…
Don’t know how to end it…I wrote it how it actually happened, so let me end it like it should…
Miss you Ridhi di, may your soul rest in peace.
Hey! This was one close to my heart…give me feedback. Please. ❤
But actually, I dont care much about it this time. My heart just pains and eyes still rain remmembering her.
Why does it has to happen? Why?
Whatever, thanks for reading,
Snehal Sahay. 😥